This is a personal post. I won’t be offended if you skip it. But as always, this little tiny space on the internet, is my place for the thoughts I carry with me and the thoughts I have right now are about this tiny space and the role I play.
Two weeks ago, I was working from home, probably checking email, Twitter, Facebook, or something else that required me to focus on my screen. My kids were home, doing something, and Oskar, my five-year-old, walked up to me and said, “Mom, you work a lot.” He then walked away.
For the past two weeks, these words have hit me hard, because he is right. I work a lot. I work all the time. I work early in the morning, in the car when my husband is driving, late at night after my kids go to bed. When I check social media, my mood changes. I withdraw from my family. I let the words of strangers affect my family as I get caught up in emotions I don’t need to have. I have lost count of how many times I have had to catch my husband up on something that happened on social media which is now pulling me away from my family. And if I am not working, I am thinking about work. About everything I need to take care of online, the comments, the tweets, the posts, the little stuff that comes with doing the work that I have chosen to do. Not my full-time teaching job, but my self-chosen extra work that has brought me into the lives of many others.
And while I am honored beyond words that anyone chooses to spend any time with any of my words, my ideas, or my projects, I also have no balance. I have high blood pressure. I have started having panic attacks. In fact, I had one earlier today started by an email.
Before all of this, this blog being read by others, this living in a very small public eye, I never had panic attacks. I didn’t fully understand what it meant to feel like you have disappointed strangers. I didn’t fully understand what it feels like to be seen as someone who had all of the right answers, or to be seen as someone who should just learn to keep her mouth shut. I never brought my computer with me on vacation. I didn’t need unlimited data just to keep up with all of the notifications, wants, questions and needs that pile up. I didn’t look at my to be read shelf as work.
I knew what it meant to be just Pernille, a goofy, introverted, yet outspoken woman who loved her life with all of her heart. Not Pernille Ripp who somehow has become someone I can’t live up to be.
Last week, I was supposed to speak at ISTE alongside some fantastic colleagues. I was excited, yet nervous. Once I got to ISTE though, I was overwhelmed, and not in a good way. There was personal stuff going on at home, I was not feeling well healthwise, and the panic started to creep in. How could I possibly live up to people’s expectations when I felt this awful? Then other stuff happened and I made the decision to go home. While it was the only decision I could make personally, it meant that I let others down. That I broke a professional promise. I never do this and yet I did it this time. If you are one of the ones that I let down by not being there, I am so sorry. If you waited in line, I am so sorry. If you are one of the ones affected by my decision, I am so sorry. I hope to make it up to everyone somehow.
But it speaks to my larger reality right now; my priorities are screwed up. I work too much. I worry too much. I give too much of myself to have enough left at the end of the day. And it is only getting worse. My doctor is telling me to stop and my kids are reminding me to listen.
So it is time for me to step back a bit. To do less work publicly, to share less, to not be so immediately available. To be just Pernille, the person who doesn’t have all of the answers necessarily. That only creates something because she cannot help it. That gives all of her when she is in a public space, but then steps back when she is private.
I find so much joy in the work that I get to do with kids, with adults, and I don’t want to lose that. I want to reclaim the joy. The experimentation. The carefree.
So if you don’t hear from me for a while, I hope it is ok. If I don’t take care of your question for a while, I hope it is ok. I will still be out there, sometimes on the road, sometimes behind my screen, but I can’t keep this up. I don’t want to keep this up.
Take care of yourself, it is time for me to do the same.
Pernille
Pernille Ripp 
Love you girl. You have just given everyone else permission to go easier on themselves, and that’s a good, good thing.
Truth! And, you are not alone.
Understand fully. Been there.
Bravo for recognizing the need to put yourself and your family first.
Dear Pernille;
Your family and your health come first always! I applaud your wisdom of stepping back for a while for the sake of your wellness and your children. God bless you!
Fondly,
Jo Anne Kelly
I always enjoy your posts. Time for you to take care of you. Enjoy some family time!
You are right to step back and take time for yourself and your loved ones. Enjoy some sunny days and down time. And remember you are enough.
Take care and thank you for reminding us all of what is important.
Victoria
You have helped me so much! I think you’re being responsible and wise to take a step back. I also think you’re very brave to tel everyone why. Thanks for leading the way, once again, toward better practice for all of us who follow you. Hugs from TX!
Permille, this is music to my ears – not because you are suffering, for that I am so very sorry. I am so happy that you were brave enough to put your feelings out there. That is one of the reasons I love seeing your posts is that you do not shy away from the tough parts of life, in teaching or in what you share about your family. I’m so happy you will take this time for you and your family. Everyone will be here when and if you return. In 2006, I had to leave a full-time literacy coaching job that I LOVED because I took an antibiotic so I could get “back to work.” I had a toxic reaction and struggled mightily for over 2 years to get my health back. I, too, love to teach, but there has to be some balance. Now I have returned to full-time teaching and am promising myself and my husband I will not return to that overworked, unhealthy person I was back then. I’m happier, healthier, and more excited than ever to teach, and all because I was forced to step back. I’m so happy you realized it before you had to stop teaching, before you had a health crisis. Thank you for being you and for doing whatever it is you need to do. All my best wishes for you.
What a wondeful post! I don’t know you personally, but I have to say I’m so proud of you! You said what probably 90% of the people reading this have wanted to, but haven’t….yet. Anxiety and panic attacks are no joke. Taking care of yourself, focusing on your family, and finding joy in the moments life has to offer is going to help so much! I can almost smell the fresh air from here! 🙂 If you aren’t happy and healthy, nothing in your life can be either. It starts with you, and only you can decide where you go from here. And…guess what? You haven’t let anyone down and no one is disappointed, angry, or upset. In fact, I can only speak for myself, but I’m sure everyone here feels the exact opposite. Know that you are loved and supported by so many. And, if you choose to come back, we will all be here…doing the same exact thing, just a different day. Do NOT feel like you will be missing out on the never-ending rollercoaster of social media. If you choose not to come back, that is okay, too, because it will mean you are happy and living life on your terms. You owe an explanation to no one; you weren’t required to tell us how, where, or why, but you did. This letter was beautifully written, and it was such a kind gesture. It speaks volumes about your character. I wish you happiness, love, fresh air, fun times, and lots of laughs in the coming weeks! Thank you for your inspiration and best wishes on your journey ahead! 🙂
Take care of yourself and your family. If this is all you give professionally, and I mean everything up to now, it is enough. More than enough. You are wise, caring, smart, motivating and honest. Pick and choose how and when you engage. Your insight will always matter. But you matter more.
What a good decision! Your health and your family are your priorities. Take care.
I accept whatever time you have to share because you speak the truth from the heart. Three years ago I stopped checking email from Friday night until Monday morning😬. First weekend without checking email I nearly lost it from worry about what I would find on Monday morning. It went on like that for a few weekends & my family life was so much more richer because I became truly present if even just for the weekend. I heartily support your choice ❣️
I know that must have taken a lot to write. While not at your level of work and commitments, I see so much of myself in your post. It’s hard to step away from what you love, but know that you are supported by those of us you’ve never met in real life , but have gained so much from knowing you through your writing. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Please know that you are appreciated.
100% can relate and understand. Thank you!
Your health and mental well being should always come first before ANYTHING you do for us out here. You and your family are what is important. No one would be upset with you for making time for that. I’ve experienced (and still have) severe anxiety, and have had panic attacks at work because I pushed myself too hard and expected to much of myself. It’s not worth it. Take time for self care. Hug your kids. Be present for them and forget about everything else for a while.
Rest. Detach. Heal. Thank you for having the wisdom to share because this is such a relevant struggle for many educators. I’ve been there, and I understand. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing this. I always really enjoy your blog posts and your books. Very inspirational! This is such a good reminder to everyone and in my eyes makes you even stronger and impressive to share with your public. Make sure you give yourself some well deserved family time and you time. Take care of yourself!
Good on you Pernille. Of course you feel sorry, but even more so, of course you need not. Being human is hard – addressing our inability to be all things to all people takes real courage, and that’s what you’ve evidenced with this post. You go and put “first things first”, as you’ve said, and may you be blessed going forward.
Self and family first, no apologies! Best to you😊
A wise principal once told me that family if first otherwise we can’t be present for the rest-physically and mentally. Family first and self care second. Take care!
Thank you. As a wife, Mom, daughter, sister, educator, I want to be all things to all people and in the process I am not being true to myself. Thank you for putting it into words and being so brave to expose your true self. I wish you the best as you reconnect with those who need you the most, including being true to yourself.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sad that you are facing such challenges, but I am impressed with your reflection and resilience. Please take care of your heart, health, and family.
Thank you and take care from Australia xx
The honesty in this post and the anguish brought tears to my eyes. And I hope you’re already off-line and not reading this comment, but I felt the need to write it to thank you for your spirit, your passion and your generosity. To thank you for having the wisdom to step back from it all and reassess and regroup. To thank you for taking care of your needs and your family’s needs. I wish you the best. Take care, Pernille.
Do not apologize for the need to take care of yourself and your family. That is foremost. I love your blogs, and your insights. Don’t burn out — take care and think about what works best for you and yours. Best wishes for a calmer, more peaceful life!
Lisa Sparkman G/T Specialist Pflugerville ISD Lisa.Sparkman@pfisd.net ________________________________
Dear Pernille,
First and foremost, thank you. Thank you for your honesty, generosity, expertise and guidance. Over the years, through these digital means, you have made me a better teacher, educator, colleague and… person. Thank you. As an educators, we always strive to do better, and often that means more of everything- time, money, worry, stress … and less sleep! Your followers, like me, have become your students and you give you all, touching our students through the guidance you give us. Your “classroom” is huge! As a Mom of three, I get where you are. I know every feeling – even the effect it takes on you physically. (And my “plate” is nothing compared to yours). So, take time for you. And if there is anyway I can support you, please let me know. I’d be honored to return the favor.
Sincerely,
A grateful student –
Mary Beth
Inspiring to the point of harming yourself? #IUnderstand Be well, you’ve helped me & now I can be my best…..with barriers! LOVE your honesty, be well.
Blessings to you! Praying for you, your health to improve, and your beautiful family! Thank you for all you have done! I appreciate you more than I can express!
Please take care of yourself!
Remember these words by Sark” You are enough. You have enough. You do enough.
I love reading your blogs and ideas. You are amazing! Find your balance and please take care of you:) Love, Jenny- 5th-grade teacher
Bravo! Enjoy your time. I hear guilt in your words and I can so relate to that. Push past guilty self talk and worrying about the future and enjoy living in now. It is harder and harder to do. Be well!
Vacation with the family. Lots of them.
You just got a wake up call to trust your instincts or you will burn out.
Take a step back. You and family first.
Once a doctor said to me 20 years ago, if you don’t take care of yourself, you become a burden to others.
I have always been a goal setting, hard working teacher who hit some depression for a few months under med care last year, now ok at best.
We all need breaks.
When I went to Ireland best time ever after grief of father’s death. Refreshed.
Take a camping forest vacation, therapeutic.
Or over seas. Find water- lakes -refresh.
and woods w family. Camping
So glad signs. Listen to your gut. The anxiety is telling you too. I have at times. Never when I was younger.
I’ve been teaching over 12 years. The last 2 years I’ve faced life obstacles not teaching related but temporary affected health.
Breath
Find jon Kabat Zinn – Mindfulness Meditation CD’s
He originated w Massachusetts Mindfulness stressful institute clinic or something like that.
Also wrote book, wherever you go, there you are.
Order CD’s
Choose 15-45 min body breathing mins guided by him.
Most hospitals offer class or just order his CD’s
Google him
I meditated for 1 year and ready to do now again.
One becomes less a reactor to situations w breathing practice
Camping.
All the best from CA
Kathleen Roper
Sent from my iPhone
You go girl, meaning you go and take of you and your family. Been in your shoes…good for you for setting priorities. You will be back when the time is right. Take care, be strong, know you made the right decision.
Oh Pernille… You have been so dedicated, and have helped so many. PLEASE – Those of us that love you are begging you to take care of you. Your health must come first, and then your family. No one who cares for you would have it any other way. Prayers for you. If you ever need an unbiased ear, feel free to DM. ❤
Dear Pernille,
All of us, even those like me who got to know just a bit of you through GRA, through your posts and also through listening to your wonderful words, will still be here once you feel strong enough to be back. It is the moment now to take care of yourself and devote time to your
family.
Priorities first.
Thank you for your honesty, it is so relatable and refreshing. Your health and your family must come first and the need to be everything to everyone except the ones that matter most is a slippery slope. Take care of yourself and your family and trust that whatever you give, whenever you can give it, will be enough.
At the end of the day, your family is what’s most important. And being there for your family means taking care of yourself. Took me awhile to learn to leave school behind; there’s always one more thing you can do to prepare for your students. But taking time for yourself and your family, ultimately makes you a better teacher and mentor.
Take care of yourself and your family. That is more important than anything else! We all completely understand! 🙂
Thank you! Please take care of you and your family.
As one who suffers from anxiety and depression, I understand the need to step away and take care of self. You don’t owe anyone any apologies. I have enjoyed reading your blogs, and you have been most helpful to me and many other educators around the world; however, you have to take care of you. This time in your life is for you, your children, and your husband. Take it, enjoy it, and get refreshed. If and when you decide to share more of yourself, we will be here. Until then, be the person you want to be for you – not us. It’s a hard thing to you, but you can and will do it.
Take his time to take care of yourself and your family. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Thenwork you are doing is wonderful and I am sure exhausting for you. Please know others will be there to take the lead.
Great post, Pernille. Authentic, true for so many of us. Appreciate your bravery and candor. You are not alone.
Bravo Girlfriend!! I’m seeing this lots in our profession and I admire you for choosing yourself and your family! Love your energy and honesty. Read without thinking about reviewing or sharing. It’s liberating!!
Pernille, I love your FB posts, books and blog. You have responded to a question or two from me. I have heard you speak at ILA. You are brave! Never feel bad about putting yourself or your family first. Thank you for giving us all permission to do so. Hugs!
What a great decision, Pernille. And as at least one person has already said – this gives permission to others to do something similar. While you didn’t choose to be a mentor for so many teachers, you have become one. Taking care of yourself is an important responsibility and I applaud you. Your four sweet children will be small, living at home, and wanting to spend time with you for a relatively short time. Make the most of it. Your career as a teacher will have many phases so enjoy what each one brings to you.
Blessings on your journey. Thank you for blessing us all with your journey thus far and creating a sense of urgency about reflective practice.
This is the best blog post I have EVER READ! I can totally relate 100%! Thank you for articulating it all so well! I needed this so much! THANK YOU!
Pernille, you are so brave! To put your family first and your health first are noble qualities that we should all have. I’m right there with you!
Dear Pernille, I have been reading your posts for about 3 years now and I always have feelings and thoughts on education very much like you… I have always appreciated your thoughts and points of view . Everyone needs time to recharge especially in the field of education. Hopefully you can relax and enjoy some time. Just wanted to let you know. Janet ( from Ottawa Ontario , Canada)
Great advice and thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I was on a FB live today and the presenter has two young kids and one was home sick! I felt for her, and you! Take care of yourself!
Pernille-
It’s amazing to see how many of us are in the same boat. Thank you for reminding all of us about balance. My health has been out of control for a few years and I too have anxiety attacks. I’m having to pull back on some responsibilities and it is hurting my heart. I can’t be who I want to be, but I’m convinced that I wasn’t truly being me by trying to be everything anyway. You are such a blessing to all of us and I’m sure we will all be cheering you on as you regroup, refresh, and remember your true self. Thank you too for showing all of us one of the best gifts of the networked world- honesty. You are so deeply appreciated.