goodbye

Dear Beautiful Baby

Today you were supposed to have been born.  A beautiful baby, joining your  older sister Thea that does nothing but run around and point at all the babies she sees in the world.  We would have been scared but excited.  Feeling so overwhelmed and yet so happy.  But today is not your due date; that day will never come because I lost you many months ago.

Every day until this day I have thought of how big my stomach should be now. How I wouldn’t be able to fit into those pants, bend over to pick up that marker, or even be able to tie my shoes.  I would be getting ready to hand over my students to another capable teacher to welcome you into this world; into our family. And yet, sometimes life doesn’t work the way it is meant to work.

I am sorry, there is no heartbeat are the hardest words I have ever heard.  And I think that moment in time will always be frozen, just hanging there, not quite within my reach but there as a mountain in my life.  Brandon took my hand and held it so tight and the tears just came and came.  A magic child, a child we had so hoped for, was not to be.

And yet, life goes on.  I returned to school and had to face parent emails, students that needed help in math, hugs and smiles because that’s what teachers do.  We keep going, no matter what happens in our life, we know there are kids that need us and sometimes, truthfully, we need them as well.  And I really didn’t tell anyone because I did not want them to ask how I was.  I knew I would be ok, I am not the only one to ever go through something like this, and yet you feel so alone when it does happen.

So with this letter, sent out to the world, I am saying goodbye.  Goodbye to the dreams that would have been with you that were not meant to be.  And thank you; thank you for showing me that maybe having another baby is not outside of our reach.  For showing me that I am incredibly grateful for my soulmate, Brandon, who I know will weather any storm with me.  Thankful for the strength you made me find in myself to carry on and keep smiling, loving, laughing.  Goodbye dear baby, so long.

5 thoughts on “Dear Beautiful Baby”

  1. I know that we live in different states, but I feel like I know you through your blogs and Twitter and I just want to give you a hug across the internet. Thanks for sharing this. I'm sure it was a difficult post to write.

  2. You are so brave to share this letter with your blog and the world! It is amazing the strength you have, and I for one would love to send you a hug. I know you are sad, but your strength and determination shine through louder. That is surely a source of strength for yourself, your family and your students!

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