It seems like I have had more bad days than good in the last few weeks. You probably wouldn’t know that if you knew me though. Us teachers tend to not share too much of the bad. In fact, even if you were in my classroom, you might not even have noticed. I don’t yell. I don’t slam doors. I don’t take it out on students. Instead I get quiet, I reflect, I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why it is that I feel like I am in a funk?
It dawned on me today as I picked my heart up off the floor; I miss my 5th grade. I miss teaching so many different subjects. I miss the hugs. I miss the stories. I miss the parents randomly stopping by with a forgotten lunch or just because. I miss my old team, even though my new team is incredible. I miss knowing the kids in that way you know them when you have them all day. I miss snack time and read aloud. Our first grade buddies. The excitement that comes with being a 5th grader and being on the cusp of middle school, not knowing what to expect. And did I mention, I miss the hugs?
Yet, I also love 7th grade. I have incredible students. I am part of an incredible school. I would walk through fire for my team. I am surrounded by so many inspiring teachers and I get to teach reading every day. How lucky am I? But, it doesn’t feel like enough. Not tonight. Not this week, for some reason.
So on this day, I wonder where I belong. I wonder where I am supposed to be. I wonder whether it will ever feel like home again. Whether I will ever be anyone’s favorite teacher again. I know it shouldn’t matter but for some reason it does. I wonder if I will make a difference in a middle schoolers life or if I will be just another teacher on their way toward high schooler. I guess I didn’t know how much I just don’t want to be just another teacher. I guess I want to feel like I am making a difference again. I wonder if I made the right choice…