This is a personal post. I won’t be offended if you skip it. But as always, this little tiny space on the internet, is my place for the thoughts I carry with me and the thoughts I have right now are about this tiny space and the role I play.
Two weeks ago, I was working from home, probably checking email, Twitter, Facebook, or something else that required me to focus on my screen. My kids were home, doing something, and Oskar, my five-year-old, walked up to me and said, “Mom, you work a lot.” He then walked away.
For the past two weeks, these words have hit me hard, because he is right. I work a lot. I work all the time. I work early in the morning, in the car when my husband is driving, late at night after my kids go to bed. When I check social media, my mood changes. I withdraw from my family. I let the words of strangers affect my family as I get caught up in emotions I don’t need to have. I have lost count of how many times I have had to catch my husband up on something that happened on social media which is now pulling me away from my family. And if I am not working, I am thinking about work. About everything I need to take care of online, the comments, the tweets, the posts, the little stuff that comes with doing the work that I have chosen to do. Not my full-time teaching job, but my self-chosen extra work that has brought me into the lives of many others.
And while I am honored beyond words that anyone chooses to spend any time with any of my words, my ideas, or my projects, I also have no balance. I have high blood pressure. I have started having panic attacks. In fact, I had one earlier today started by an email.
Before all of this, this blog being read by others, this living in a very small public eye, I never had panic attacks. I didn’t fully understand what it meant to feel like you have disappointed strangers. I didn’t fully understand what it feels like to be seen as someone who had all of the right answers, or to be seen as someone who should just learn to keep her mouth shut. I never brought my computer with me on vacation. I didn’t need unlimited data just to keep up with all of the notifications, wants, questions and needs that pile up. I didn’t look at my to be read shelf as work.
I knew what it meant to be just Pernille, a goofy, introverted, yet outspoken woman who loved her life with all of her heart. Not Pernille Ripp who somehow has become someone I can’t live up to be.
Last week, I was supposed to speak at ISTE alongside some fantastic colleagues. I was excited, yet nervous. Once I got to ISTE though, I was overwhelmed, and not in a good way. There was personal stuff going on at home, I was not feeling well healthwise, and the panic started to creep in. How could I possibly live up to people’s expectations when I felt this awful? Then other stuff happened and I made the decision to go home. While it was the only decision I could make personally, it meant that I let others down. That I broke a professional promise. I never do this and yet I did it this time. If you are one of the ones that I let down by not being there, I am so sorry. If you waited in line, I am so sorry. If you are one of the ones affected by my decision, I am so sorry. I hope to make it up to everyone somehow.
But it speaks to my larger reality right now; my priorities are screwed up. I work too much. I worry too much. I give too much of myself to have enough left at the end of the day. And it is only getting worse. My doctor is telling me to stop and my kids are reminding me to listen.
So it is time for me to step back a bit. To do less work publicly, to share less, to not be so immediately available. To be just Pernille, the person who doesn’t have all of the answers necessarily. That only creates something because she cannot help it. That gives all of her when she is in a public space, but then steps back when she is private.
I find so much joy in the work that I get to do with kids, with adults, and I don’t want to lose that. I want to reclaim the joy. The experimentation. The carefree.
So if you don’t hear from me for a while, I hope it is ok. If I don’t take care of your question for a while, I hope it is ok. I will still be out there, sometimes on the road, sometimes behind my screen, but I can’t keep this up. I don’t want to keep this up.
Take care of yourself, it is time for me to do the same.
Pernille
Pernille Ripp 
This is so powerful. Thank you and take care.
You have been an inspiration to many of us. Maybe it’s our turn to lead for a bit. I don’t have the platform, yet, but I can support others that do.
Best Wishes!!!
Don’t be sorry! Family time is the best time of all. I lost my mom when I was 10yrs old and spending time with my brother and his family along with relatives is time I treasure and enjoy most. 😀 Have fun spending time with your family and alone time.
Self-care is crucial! As much as I appreciate You and what you do, you must take care of you and your family. Good luck!
Hugs, Pernille! Try to remember all the people you have already lifted up and not the relatively few you may have let down. I am one of the lifted up!
Good for you! I learned as well that my family has to come first over teaching. You take time for you. Do NOT apologize. Look inward and upward and I will wish you well.
Absolutely don’t be sorry! Family first, family ALWAYS!
I enjoy your blogs and admire your work but please look after yourself and your family first.
Pernille I was thinking of you today and wondering how you can possibly do it all. I’m so glad to hear you are stepping back and taking time to care for yourself! Thank you for the honesty that we can all relate to!💞
You are doing the right thing Pernille! You are setting an example for your family and for us. Best wishes and lots of support going your way!
It’s clear how hard this is for you–I hope it becomes less hard! Restore yourself. Find that playfulness and love from which all creativity springs. This is a deeply wise choice.
This touches my heart deeply because I heard the same things from my children. You are making the wise choice. In order to have relationships and long-term connections with our family we need to invest the time.
I’m thankful for your work, your wisdom and influence, but I believe family must come first as well as your health.
We all wondered how you did it those far. I totally understand today and at ISTE. Family always comes first, no matte what. Show your family you can change. Work when they cannot see it. It wil make a difference.
Pernille, thank you. Thank you for what you contribute to education, especially literacy. Thank you for writing the thoughts I often have and can’t articulate. And thank you for being honest and taking a break. It takes strength to put yourself in the spotlight, but it takes even more to know when to rest. Take a break, get some rest, enjoy your family, and—of course—read some good books while you relax. 🙂
Wow! This hit home!
Sent from my iPhone
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Never feel bad for taking care of yourself or putting yourself or your family first. While your work is a part of who you are, is does not completely define you. Take care.
You owe no one an apology. Your work and effort speak for themselves. You are always empowered to control what is important to you, and I’m glad you are taking steps t do that. Gives the rest of us some time to catch up to you. Enjoy in peace.
I read your words and they ring very true for me… I had to do this earlier on this year. Life is meant to be lived, to be cherished, to be spent living in the moment with those that matter most…
I wish you well friend… time to reconnect, recharge, but mostly? To recalibrate.
Celebrate all that you are… for you have and always have been an incredible gift.
Xo
You are not alone. Prayers for balance and peace.
You are the last person who should apologize to our profession. You have changed countless lives and affected the future in ways that none of us can begin to imagine. I just wondered aloud yesterday at how you could possibly do all you do. Take this time. Relax. Regroup. Enjoy your family because this time is precious. You will become yourself again and when YOU need to, you’ll become a voice in the world again. I will continue to reread your words and be inspired by you. Be well, friend I’ve never met!
Oh Pernille – eight years ago, I came to the same conclusion when my health took a beating, and I became a migraine sufferer. Learning self-care, family care, and positive career choices are crucial. You are taking control and are to be admired for doing so. Your followers look forward to hearing from you on your terms. Please know and feel the support and love.
Don’t be sorry:) you did a good job:) thanks for all the help and time , but always and forever family comes first and “you” also come first as a member of the family. Best of luck and take care of yourself and your family❤️
Just want to hug you….go be Pernille, mom, and wife. It’s not only okay…it is necessary.
Hey I just found this site and read one article and now you are taking a break? LOL! GOOD. Because I am taking a break, reading cool posts from cool people like yourself, Tom Rademacher, and others. Trying to learn from the best. And in doing so, I am better for it. I’m going to go play my guitar for awhile now. Something I don’t do during the school year, enough. You do you! Thanks for all of your wisdom!
No need to be sorry! Your feelings are real and legitimate and no apologies necessary! Take care of you and your family. I am learning to do the same.
It’s so important to take care of yourself. Take time to refresh and renew. It is hard, but stepping back will be a good thing. You can’t be your best self stretching yourself so thin. Take care.
This reminds me of a quote I saw today: You can do ANYTHING! But you can’t do everything. 🙂 I love your honesty and bluntness. As a mom and “plain old teacher” who doesn’t write books or have speaking engagements, I often wonder how those “celebrity educators” can do it all. I was and sometimes am envious, but overwhelmed with “plain old teaching,” as it is. Your followers and fans can only imagine how taxing your “extras” have become.
You remind us that we must listen to doctors, our children, and our guts!
Love to you. I admire everything about you. And today I admire you even more.
I’m so sorry you feel unwell! Please take care of yourself and your family. There will never be enough time tomorrow make it up to yourself and to them. We will be okay. We will be there when you return. Find your joy and peace. We love you!
Completely support your decision and your words- you and your family come first. Wishing you the best.
Peace.
I fully understand what you mean. There is only so much you can humanly do. Your family needs to come first. I have learned this too. There needs to be a balance.
You have a long life to live and beautiful children to love. . Find time riding yourself.Everything will be here when you get back.
You are so brave.
Wishing you incredible amounts of peace and self-care. Your family needs you, your students need you, and we need your voice. BUT: you can’t do right by any of us if you don’t practice saying a gracious “no” and taking care of yourself, your heart, your body, your closest tribe that surrounds you with energy. Be restful and be well. We believe in you and your own needs. Turn us off 🙂
Hurray for you, Pernille. I love reading your blog posts…you are funny and smart and caring. But I applaud your wish to reclaim balance in your life. Panic attacks can make you feel like you are dying…no one should have to put up with them. I’m sending all good wishes and will hold you close to my heart.
Take care Pernille! Enjoy your family while they are young and really want and need you😉
Blessings to you and peace.
Sending positive thoughts your way. Panic attacks are awful, but I’m glad you know the source and can make the changes need. Enjoy this much deserved R & R.
Don’t be sorry. Take Care Pernille! Balance. 🙂
In Peace,
Always know you are inspiring and amazing. Even though I recently retired, I enjoy your posts and feel so encouraged that there are still wonderful people like you out there in the trenches challenging our students to be the best they can be. I hope you can find that balance and re-charge yourself physically and personally. It is so hard to do that, and we often give so much in our profession that we never realize how draining it can all become. Wishing you the best with everything. I for one, will be right here listening and learning when you return.
Bless you. I experience the same cycle you have described. Slow down, breathe, hug someone….it will be ok. 💕
Amen and thank you.
Pernille, I am a casual reader of your posts and enjoy them. For whatever it is worth, I want to say I am proud of you for the choice you have made for your health and family. I can tell it was not made lightly. It takes a big person to step away from the personal success and feelings of satisfaction for any reason. I wish you much personal family bonding and renewed health! Sincerely, Tammy
So glad that you will be taking care of yourself and your family. Best of luck and enjoy!
Listen to your body, listen to your inner voice, and listen to your family. Kids are young for such a short time. Take time, especially in the summer, to make them your first priority since it’s so hard during the school year. Hugs and prayers for you. Thank you for your transparency in the things that so many struggle with. You don’t have to be Super Woman. You are loved just for who you are.
You are SO smart to realize this.
Prayers for healing for your heart, mind and body and for strength and wisdom as you prioritize and learn to say no.
Sending love, hugs, and peace your way.
I don’t know if this will get to you, but I hope so. Thank you for all you have done. Thanks for being a driving force. You are certainly entitled to step back. I hope you recharge and return to us when you can. Thanks again.
I truly appreciate your openness and honesty! I don’t feel you need to apologize for your decision. Teachers who have biological children need to be parents first. I applaud you for making the decision to take care of yourself and be with your family. Please do take care of yourself!
Love and Peace to your Pernille!
Shelly