These last few days since publishing my post “There is No Such Thing As Balance” I have been floating around in a relaxed state. There is something incredibly lethargic about getting it out, pointing out your flaws for the whole world to see and then moving on. Perhaps we sometimes dwell on things even more than we know. Perhaps airing our imperfections is not so bad after all, I guess I should know, I have been writing about them for the past 5 years, However, that has not been the only reason for my better state of mind. I swear I have found the key to happiness. A simple one indeed…
Stop volunteering yourself.
Stop saying yes because you feel you should. Stop saying yes to every single thing that needs someone to say yes to it. Stop jumping at every single chance you get. Let others have the chance at doing something, share the opportunities, and save some sanity for yourself.
In the past two days I have stopped saying yes all of the time and my world didn’t crash down on me. I didn’t become a terrible person, nor did I lose friends. I stopped saying yes to every single thing that was presented to me, every single opportunity presented. I stopped saying yes as the very first person because that is what I felt I should and instead said yes to the things I really cared about. Not a perfect system by any means but one that has saved me a lot of stress.
So say yes when you really want to. Say yes when you know that it will mean something to you and to others. Don’t say yes because you feel you have to. Don’t say yes because it might work out for you. Save you yes’es for when it really matters. Save your yes for when it should be followed by an “Absolutely!” and give yourself a break. You deserve it, in fact, we all do.
It’s 9 PM and I have spent 30 minutes with my husband. 2 hours with my four children. 10 hours at work. 1 hour after work working on work and 1 more hour thinking about it. Just another day in the life of most teachers. I used to think that days like this meant my life was out of balance. That adding up all of the hours spent away from those that matter the most meant that I was an abject failure at being a great human being and that I had to restore my balance. In the past few weeks though, I have realized that there is no such as balance.
In fact, I would like to state that balance is much like a unicorn. Wonderful to dream about even though we all know it doesn’t really exist.
What I do have though is choice. And for the past 7 years I have chosen to give the best of me to my students. I have chosen to give most of my energy, most of my thoughts, most of my hopes and dreams to those students I have been lucky enough to teach. I have taught with my emotions on my sleeve and at a breakneck pace. I have chosen to do this, whether intentionally or not, and so my own children? They have gotten whatever was left of me when I finally made it home. The final smiles, the tired eyes, the overloaded mind. And that is no longer enough.
We forget that as teachers we cannot save the world. That yes, we can try to change the life of a child in our classrooms but we hold a much greater power at home. We are the people that can change our own children’s lives for good. We are the people who can make sure that some children will show up to school knowing they are loved, knowing that they have support no matter what happens to them. We are the people who can make a difference, but that difference needs to start with our own children.
So I am ready to stop searching for balance and instead spend the time and energy making better choices. There are moments of my day I cannot choose, I will devote myself fully to those hours I get to teach. But the rest of the day belongs to me and to the choices that I want to make. No longer should my family get what is left of me, but instead what they deserve; a person who is fully present, not thinking about work or the next thing to write. A mother who looks at them like they matter. A wife that shows how crazy in love she still is. I will never find that unicorn, but I have come to accept it. Now it is time for a change, how about you?
I was exhausted to say the least. Voice raw, thoughts muddled, and a lead brain. I felt like I had worked days without sleep as I dragged myself home. All day Thursday, I conferred with almost all of my students. 100+ kids and I sat down, one on one, and spoke about scores, grades, goals, growth and most importantly what they are proud of. And I was exhausted.
I hadn’t intended to have a day of conferring. I had thought we would have a read-in party, I would hand them back their grade slips with my grades for them, the ones they had first decided and I then had added my input to. After all, most of us agreed on the letter grade that somehow would define their progress in English. Yet, as I looked at the slips of paper in my hand, I realized that this was not a paper conversation. That every child deserved to have a moment, even if only for a few minutes, to discuss why that grade somehow represented them and more importantly a moment to carve their own path forward.
So one by one I called them up, showed them their slip of paper and then we talked. What did I notice, what did they know? How had they been doing? How had they felt about being in English? What could change? What were my hopes as we moved forward? What did they hope for? What did they need? The conversations changed depending on the student, yet every single one ended with; what are you proud of?
What came from them were almost never their scores. Nor the grade they were getting. Instead, child upon child told me how they were actually reading now. How they had become better readers. How some didn’t hate writing as much. How English was getting easier for them. How they felt they had something to say. They spoke of insecurities. They spoke of being unsure. They spoke of trying. Of growing. Of wanting to become better people. Every child opened up and spke of their journey and together we spoke of the future.
One child summed up the day perfectly for me when he said; “I am not sure what I am most proud of. I have grown, I don’t know how, but I am now better.” And I thought, so am I. I am better teacher because I know my students better. I am a better teacher because I cannot wait to see what they do next. I am a better teacher because the students are starting to really trust me. I am a better teacher because my students push me forward every day, and I let them.
I did not intend to spend a day speaking to my students and doing nothing else, but now I know; it was the best way I could have spent a day. It was the best way to help my students know that they are more than a grade. More than a score. More than a letter.
I had meticulously made my lists. I had thoughts of habits, tastes, personalities, reading preferences, pace and yes, even their assessment data. I had scoured the book room, gone book shopping spending my own money and used most of my Scholastic points. More than 50 choices awaited my students, I couldn’t wait to start book clubs.
So when I announced that today was the day they would know their book club groups, I had not planned for the groan of disapproval that met me. The disgusted stares and the change in body language; slumped shoulders, heads down. Clearly, they were not as excited as I was. And so I did what I always do; I asked why. Or more specifically, I mimicked what a student said, which was that book clubs suck, and I asked “Tell me all of the reason why book clubs suck…”
And boy did they ever.
“We hate being forced to read certain books. Sometimes we have read them before, sometimes they are boring, sometimes we cannot relate to them no matter how hard we try. We want choice, we want things that we want to read, we can decide by ourselves.
We hate being told when to read, how many pages, and what we should discuss. Sometimes we want to read only a few pages because we know we are busy, other times we want to read a lot. We want to come up with our own questions and we don’t want a teacher to facilitate. Let us try to navigate it ourselves. Let us try to lead the conversations. Help us when we need it but don’t assume we need it all of the time.
We hate having a book take weeks and weeks to finish. Sometimes we just want to read because it is so good, and what is wrong with that. When it drags on we lose interest. When it drags on we forget what is happening.
We hate being stuck with a book even if we chose it. We hate being placed in groups with students we have nothing in common with. We hate having to keep logs, write reports, and do group work when all we want to do is read and discuss. Don’t you see, we hate book clubs.”
So I listened, and I answered their questions whether they wanted me to or not. Carefully explained my vision for the next few weeks and why. Would there be writing – no, just the thoughts they felt they needed to jot down to facilitate a discussion. Would there be choice – of course, the books were waiting patiently for them and if they found none here then we have a library to go to. They kept asking and I kept explaining, and as we went on their faces changed and the shoulders came back up.
Every class I taught that day went through the same process. I didn’t expect to have those conversation 5 times in a row but that is exactly what happened. Every time I mentioned book clubs, the groan came at me like a wave. And yet, as we discussed I once again learned more about my students and their reading habits. I learned how they want to be independent readers and thinkers, how they want to be able to have choice in everything so that they can invest themselves fully. How it is okay that I put them into groups as long as I explain why those groups were made and that it wasn’t just based on one thing.
I could have ignored their groans, a few years ago I would have, I would have told them to “Suck it up, deal with it and make the best of it.” Yet, I know from experience that if we want book clubs or anything that has to do with reading to work then we have to have these hard conversations. We have to discuss, tear apart, and work through the demons that students carry, those preconceived notions of what is going to happen in the next few weeks, before we ever get an authentic buy-in; a reading experience that matters.
The day after the conversation, I had them book shop. Every group went from choice to choice and debated the merits of the books laid out before them. Every group weighed their options, and only one group out of about 30 needed my guidance in book choice. Yesterday, as I revealed the books they were going to read, most groups cheered. Some kids asked if they could start right away? Please, because the book looks really good and we are so excited.
Had I not stopped and listened to my students. Had I not stopped the plan of what I was going to do. Had I forged ahead, gone on with our day, there would have been few cheers and instead the next few weeks would have been filled with the passive resignation that middle schoolers do so well. Yeah book clubs suck, but they don’t have to. We have to find a way to talk about it and change the way they are done. And the first place we start is by asking out students why they suck or any other word that may describe their feelings toward them.
We have all been in the situation it seems; surrounded by negative people whose only joy in life seems to be finding something to complain about. Those teachers that cannot wait to share how terribly a child did, those teachers that cannot wait to discuss how awful a new initiative will be, or even just how overwhelmed they feel. And you know what, at some point we have probably all been one of those teachers, I know I was! And we usually don’t even know it.
So what can we do if we find ourselves surrounded by the negative? How do you move beyond it, inspire change, but not look like you are complaining yourself?
First idea is to reflect; are you adding to the negative? Are you getting sucked into the conversations? Are you adding fuel to the fire? Misery loves company and it is so easy to get wrapped up in a juicy story about a demanding parent or how there was another stupid idea proposed. If you are even a little bit guilty of participating in these conversations, stop. Catch yourself in the act and change your own direction. Change your narrative and share the positive. This doesn’t mean you cannot discuss hard situations, just change the way you phrase them.
Second idea; change the immediate conversation. So if someone starts to complain, see if you can spin it in a positive way. If a child is being discussed, highlight something positive. If you see a conversation turning into something that will not benefit you and you cannot change it, you also have the right to walk away. Even if you like the person speaking, nothing says you have to be a part of it. Sometimes our actions speak louder than words.
Third idea; acknowledge the negative and then try to problem-solve. If the negative continues to surround you, acknowledge it because sometimes people don’t even know they are doing it. This doesn’t mean calling them out in an uncomfortable way, but just acknowledging that what they are saying seems to be bothering them and if they are looking for someone to problem-solve with. We all have days where we need to release some of the energy that seems to be haunting us and sometimes discussing it is our way of reaching out to work through it. So offer to be that person, withhold judgment, and try to alleviate the negative.
Fourth idea, look for the positive. Sometimes our own perception makes a person seem much more negative than they really are. Are you seeing them as a whole person or just someone who complains? Make sure your own thoughts aren’t clouding a situation.
Fifth idea, get to know them more. We don’t always know what is going on in someones life and sometimes when they are complaining about little things it may be an indicator that their life outside of school is stressful right now. I know I have a much lower tolerance for anything when I am too busy outside of work or not sleeping well because of stress. So if someone seems to take a turn toward the worse, see if you can find out what is going on. Express your concern, be there as a friend, and remember to see them as a human being. We all have bad days. We all have moments where we are at our lowest.
No one comes to work meaning to be the negative force, no one walks into a social situation hoping to change it into a vent fest. Sometimes it just happens, sometimes life gets the better of us and we don’t know that we are “that” person. When all else fails, you just have to shrug it off. Continue to be a positive force for good, continue to keep yourself in check, continue to be aware of what you put out in the world. We are not able to change other people, but we can change the environment we teach in in small ways. What do you do to diffuse the negative?
I have to admit it; I have not loved all of my students in the same way. Not all of my students and I have clicked. Not all of my students and I have had the best relationships. Not for lack of wanting to. Not for lack of trying, but sometimes it seems that bigger things are in play and the universe just doesn’t align. And yet, even if I had a harder time connecting with a child, whatever the reason, I still had to be the very best teacher I could be. So what are some techniques I have used to make sure that I connected on some level, even with the seemingly most challenging students?
Take it personal sometimes. My mantra used to be “don’t take it personal” until I realized that sometimes a poor relationship with a student is indeed a direct reflection to how they feel about me, not what I am doing. So rather than dismiss it, I ask them questions, engage them as an equal to express my concern and then try to reflect on what it is they are reacting to. If it is something I can adapt to or change from, then I do. Other times, I have just had to suck it up and try a different approach.
Speak kindly about them. The quickest way to build personal dislike is to constantly stay focused on the negative attributes of a child; those things that drive you crazy. So turn your thinking around; whenever you feel yourself wanting to say something negative, stop, and find something positive to say instead. Yes, even if it seems contrived, because what you say, you start to believe. So if a child is having a particularly rough day in my classroom or with me, I go out of my way mentally to find something nice to say to others about them. After all, they are running through my mind anyway, why not spread something positive. This doesn’t mean you can’t vent, I think venting about situations can be very powerful, but keep it short and to the point. Prolonged venting only exacerbates the negative emotions already attached to a student or situation.
Find the humor in the situation. Even the kids who have driven me the most crazy can usually make me laugh by now. It wasn’t always that way, but it has become a way for me to create a relationship with someone who I otherwise would probably label as a troublemaker in my mind. So find the funny in the misbehavior, share a funny moment when they are not acting out, use humor as a way to bridge your personalities, even if you still don’t see eye to eye.
Forge a relationship outside of the classroom. Some of my hardest students to teach have also been the ones that I made sure I checked in with outside of school, even if it just meant a casual conversation in the hallway or by the buses. It is a chance for me to see them as kids, not that kid who does everything in their power to disrupt the teaching of others or whatever the situation is inside of class.
Keep digging. I have never met a child who had nothing to like about them, but sometimes you really have to dig for it. Some of my students expect you to hate them when they walk through your doors because that is what they have experienced other times, some of my students hate school so much that they will never love it no matter what we change. Some of my students have to be tough as nails to survive their own lives. Those kids still deserve a teacher that tries to connect with them, even if they rebuff them 100 times, then you try 100 more times, even a little bitty connection is better than giving up.
Treat them as a human being. Too often we start treating them like the label they may have, so a child who is angry becomes known as the angry child, or a student who is disrespectful or disruptive becomes known just for that. Their negative label becomes their identity and nothing else. We cannot let this happen, not in our minds and not in the way we speak of them. They are children, yes, children who seem to have mastered the art of driving you up the wall, but children none the less. And every child deserves to be treated with dignity.
Know when to admit defeat, but not out loud. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, how much we change, how much we reflect and think and do; that child still hates it, that child still hates us. Then our job becomes not to give up but to find another ally for them, to find another adult that can have a great relationship with them and for us not to get in the way. No, that doesn’t mean asking for them to be transferred from our class, but instead allowing for opportunities where they can possibly forge a relationship with another educator or person in your building. Every child deserves someone that will see the good in them, even if you can’t.
PS: A few notes since this post was published a few days ago. I tweaked the title to include the world almost because I don’t think we ever truly give up on child, even if we cannot forge a strong connection with them. We still keep them in our hearts, they still wake us up at night, we still keep trying even when we feel like giving up. That’s what teachers do. Another note is the little bit of wondering there has been on knowing when to admit defeat, some people have viewed this as giving up and that is far from my intent. Admitting defeat to me is humbling because it involves us realizing that we are humans and not every kid will like us. Sometimes a child naturally connects with another adult in our building and rather than get jealous, which yes, can happen, we need to help foster that relationship. I hope this clears everything up a bit.
Pernille Ripp 